I had all I could take. Do I usually have this hard of a time, every year, right before the holidays? Glenda says: July 28, 2011 . First things first, Ronan. I cant do that to myself, no matter how awful I am feeling. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. Please keep all the other people out there, who may be going through a hard time, in your thoughts. It is the pieces of pretend that give me a break from our reality. I am doing this to protect myself because I already know I am going to need the time. They are at practice now. This is the Captain Rex that will go under your tree at PCH this year. She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. I was on a mission to grab some things for our very empty refrigerator. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. Ive had to start thinking about things like what it is going to be like, when Poppy arrives. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. Your day of death. I dont do well with them. Our girl name was picked out even before Liam and Quinn were born. #cryingallday. I felt myself panic. No need for bullshit or pretending. I cleaned myself up and continued on to my pumpkin pie. She will be great to have along with me to help with the business things that we are dealing with. I said I knew. I nodded my head and walked off repeating the words over and over again, Its going to be alright, its going to be alright.. You didnt see everything he went through, but you saw more than most people. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Its fucking depressing, to say the least. You know how I hate our little frienemy. I am so very sorry. I let you think you were being naughty, just to make you giggle and to let you feel like you were breaking the rules. I love you. One of my oldest friends, Laura was sweet enough to stay back with me so I didnt have to walk alone. the ideas would not stop flowing. Tell me what I can do for you. I am sick and tired of this blinding sun. 4,586 views. I know what needs to be done. on Nothing like some hometown love to kick cancersass. Ronan. Ive been telling myself all day things like your death, isnt really real. I told you that. I think my eyes do too. I told you it was a word! He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. I had all I could take. I told him they were my favorite boots ever. Because they never gave up on the you and me part of this. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. Not crying. Our sad little house where I often work from our dining room table, our kitchen table, and even my bed. Ronan. Everyone needs to check them out. Quinn was eating a piece of steak beside me. He simply responded with an, I miss him. I read his words Ronan and FUCK. A city where the happy is too loud so lets go away to the coldbeach. on Not a life full of beauty but one full of beautiful momentsinstead, on From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby. Well, not insane, but intense. A lot is wrong with me, actually. I am dreaming of a womans Lacrosse team as we speak. Sooooooo New York!!! Come to my office. I met him there. I think I am starting to feel a little better and pie is still my best friend. They are so not cool with it. WTF asshole mother fucker who thought I could handle all of this. I do know this. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Having your Poppy sister has saved me. It never feels totally right, but we have worked very hard, together, to get where we are today. What do you say to that? I keep telling myself, I have to get through September first, but I truly dont know if I can wait that long. I was listening to, I cried when I ran over to the mall looking for a very specific gift which I could not find, I cried when I went over to the baby girl section and tried to look at the clothes. You are so right. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war . We sat for a while longer and caught up. I could hardly get that story out without choking on my tears. I can feel it. We have so much going on which we are all so thankful for. We dont have many plans for the weekend. I would like to think so. Are you o.k. I didnt see him walk up, I only heard him barking some smart ass remark to me, like he always does. Ive been having flashbacks of the end of your days, off and on today. Ive been telling myself all day this is somebodys elses life and not my own. It started with that phone call from your Mr. Sparkly Eyes while I was out in the Hamptons with your Poppy sister. From what I can see here, it looks like you are having a baby girl. Really? Her little face is all filled out. She made me smile so for that moment in time, I was o.k. Only my Dr. Bronner Magic Soap that I am obsessed with could have gotten me into that store and I was totally out, otherwise I would have aborted mission. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. We have all agreed on that. Its my pretend world and I can live in it if I want to. When I'm not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. You two had a bond and almost a secret language. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. Pain. She talked about how she was so excited to run this but then pulling up to park and seeing your little face on the poster was just awful. I chose to see you today. Bad things happen everywhere., Me: Well, Ill bet kids dont get cancer and die here. Even when you have a dead kid, life just goes on. As frustrated and sad as I am, this just motivates me more to continue this fight. She loves it and usually just falls asleep the entire time. We still havent seen too many people as we are still just trying to take our time and get used to this new little life. This was our last Thanksgiving with Ronan. To bond. With a lot of different things. I'm landing close to midnight. I went and got it. On to the next. THANK YOU. Sweet dreams, little man. We went to dinner. I was just happy to finish without injuring myself even more. But now we have an office! I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. We talked about New York for a bit. I told your daddy he needs to build a new room for this baby because its not having yours. Ronan, do you want to know the one question I get asked, all the time? Alone. Almost too good. I grab my Ambien that I now only take due to emergencies. As of now, I cant talk about our news. She never slows down in my tummy and it always seems like she is having a party in there. In my mind, Ive walked out with your costume at least 50 times. Am I pushing things a bit? It meant that kids are dying, dying, dying and nobody is paying attention. A mother doesnt survive something like this. I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. I hope you are safe. They cant. Becca. They are giving me access to all of their conference rooms, space, and my very own office with a door and all. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. By taking a little time out to go to New York. What perfect timing. I dont get to teach you all the things I dreamed of. I dont function well in a bullshit and pretending world. Ireland! I almost fell over. Now if I can only get those brothers of yours on Team Poppy. Mr. Sparkly Eyes - Page 2 - ROCKSTAR RONAN I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. But staying home this week has made me realize that I am beyond wiped out, carrying a real life baby, and almost starting my 3rd trimester. little man. Go figure. I hid my tears from everyone, as not to upset your brothers. I know what I've been doing. "Rockstar Ronan" ~ This is where I go before I log onto my e-mail in the mornings, before I check my business websites or do anything . We think we have our boy name too. I got home to our empty house. Ronan. I love you so much. I am so sorry that you had to be taken away. Its a baby girl. I watched his eyes light up in a way that his often do, when he is truly happy. You werent naughty. We spent hours upon hours talking about it. But how not physically having them here, is so very difficult. Maybe Ill start baking. I know you want to be here doing them, just as badly. I love you. New York was a good trip. Your daddy and brothers will be waiting for me so excited at the airport. He asked if it was hard for meto bein there with her. They just handed me over a key, and voila! Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. Every year since you left when Mr. Sparkly Eyes' birthday rolls around, I always give him a card that I've made for him through my iPhoto with a picture of you on it. So good. I can do a city, all alone, and badass, any other month, but not this month. O.k. Sweet dreams, little one. Its fluff and fluff does not work for me. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. I left there feeling like I am somewhat in control of this even though I know I am not. You know that speaks volumes in my book. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called. I do think this is true. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I wont fail you or let you down. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. I have a lot of dreams. Ive been hiking like crazy, with Poppy in tow of course. I may have had a mini freak out last night in our hotel room. I got a text from your Sparkly. It is her birthday today. Thank you for keeping his mama going by showing me how much the power of love can move mountains. Your daddy hung a big beautiful picture of you over your bed last night. We all are. Oh, how you loved that thing. As in The Ronan Thompson Foundation has an office! It was the first time that the 9th wasnt completely gut wrenchingfor me. I imagined myself, slapping your picture up on the screen. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. I am a wealth of knowledge in all things raccoon now. We sat outside of her office and I told her some things that I dont share with just anyone. I dont understand how even watching your daddy and brothers, watch football is normal now. Maybe Ill call it, What To Expect After Losing A Child And Having Another. I love you, Ro. I love you, Ronan. Even a 45 minute car ride. I would like to rip its face off with my bare hands. Im sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. I nodded my head that it was, because it is; but there is also something comforting about it too. Ill keep you posted on when things are ready. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. What is wrong with me? I never have and never will. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. How I would hold you and your daddy would give you the shot. Quinn had 18 points last weekend. I am so tired of this life without you. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. After I left my friend, I ran to the store. How much you hated them. The rest of my day, played out in a way that I dont think I can take much more. Follow up plans were made. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. Ron Starr - Wikipedia Anything That Has To Do With You and New YorkCity. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. An ear infection, counting my blessings! Come on, just try for me., Not even him begging for a smile could make one appear today. I cant though. Changs Marathon is this Sunday. Who is the jackass that made up that wise saying? That pain becomes less as time goes on. Sparkly Toes, Fingers, and Eyes.. - ROCKSTAR RONAN Your brothers happiness is proof of that. I saw your Sparky yesterday. It scares the shit out of me and I know what its like to lose you to cancer. I hope you are safe. I love you so much. P.S. Everything seems heightened to the max. Your picture is enough. Taylor Swift - ROCKSTAR RONAN I am floored. I emailed her and told her I was there and that I wish had been there, speaking. You know I will always say yes to New York. I love you, Ronan. I love that man and the concert was unreal. Its early in the day around 5 a.m. It's the "Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes." A lot of you, ask that in my comments. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. They are like the air I breathe and I inhale them as much as I can. So we talked a lot about your foundation and a few other top-secret things I have in the works. I can be brave. Ronan. I will be thankful for those moments. So typical. Where is Ronan? - ROCKSTAR RONAN Why are you laughing. Back to the book. I cannot even get a flu shot without thinking of you. It was a balloon with a card and a little baggie attached to it. You are making so many amazing things happen. I dont think she knew quite what to make of me. Realness. There was complete devastation.